If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
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“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.