Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
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Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.