I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Bike for sale
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.