reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
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ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
How do you like your Corgi?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this