Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
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Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.