where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
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A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I’m not lazy
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.