I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
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Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Lmao
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
how high up are we talkin’?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.