Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
You Might Also Like
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
The Backseat Boys
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Cool shirt 🙂
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Tell me you get it…🤣
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth