girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
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Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Had to try this trend 😊
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
The days of good grammer has went