A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
You Might Also Like
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to