My what?
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I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Not today.. 😂
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.