[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
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I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!