I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
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How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?