Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
You Might Also Like
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!