If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.