(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.