Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???