I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
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Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Something Saturday.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.