is the plural of judas judasses or judi
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If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast