me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
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I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.