them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
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I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Thursday
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit