Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move