[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
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Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.