Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.