If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
the three branches of government
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.