I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
everyone’s a critic
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
can I use a minion as a tampon