11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
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Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
#math
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*