How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.