Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
what’s the point then??
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.