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My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.