Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
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Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
President The Rock Obama
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else