Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.