3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it