This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.