I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
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College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on