her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
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Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Trumpy Cat
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I’m Sold!
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.