My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
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what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.