I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.