so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
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My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!