kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
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[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming