ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
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“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Bed should get ready for ME
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My god she’s good.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this