Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
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i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip