Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.