And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
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If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Breaking news:
listen closely
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total