Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
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My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Every haunted house movie:
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now