Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
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If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Camping tip: No.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Customize Your Wedding.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.