Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
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me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?