It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
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I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Traveler’s camo
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves