“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
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Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
crying
Donkey Kong sommelier
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.