I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
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“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Pickled cat.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”